


Fragments of a Transfeminine Experience

by lesbianjanecrocker (fumiko6)



Series: Fragments and Passages [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Universe, F/F, Not Canon Compliant - The Homestuck Epilogues, Not Epilogue Compliant, Trans Female Character, Trans Female Jane Crocker, Trans Female Roxy Lalonde, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21714625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fumiko6/pseuds/lesbianjanecrocker
Summary: A re-interpretation of the canon verse, focusing on Jane and maybe Roxy. Jane and Roxy are trans girls, Dirk is a trans boy. A slice of life; before sburb, during, and after. Things get worse before they get better. Extremely not epilogue compliant.
Relationships: Jane Crocker/Roxy Lalonde
Series: Fragments and Passages [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1565194
Comments: 10
Kudos: 17





	1. Jane, Part 1

You never realized how lucky you were until it was too late.

* * *

How many fathers in the 2000s would accept, listen to, and respect a child who insisted that she was "not a boy"? You were persistent for years, until he finally took you to the doctors, and when they treated you as if you were making things up, he took you to other doctors, until he finally found some whom you were agreeable with. They diagnosed you with the condition that would allow you to access hormone replacement therapy. You were allowed to transition, to change your body and your appearance so it wouldn't hurt so much. What more could you hope for?

When your classmates bullied you, you simply transferred away with Dad's help, and kept transferring until you found a school where no one knew about you. It was fine; all you had to do was keep your distance from the other kids and the adults. You could deal with that; you had your online friends who knew nothing about your secret, whom you could rely on for everything. It was all good, for a while.

It was not until far later that you finally realized how atypical this entire experience was, and how lucky you were.

* * *

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 20:55 12/1/2009 --  
TG: hey janey... can i ask u something incredibly personal and awkward?  
GG: How incredibly is "incredibly"?  
TG: like literally incredibly  
TG: u wouldnt believe it until i asked you  
GG: Fine then, shoot your shot.  
TG: lol  
TG: thats what  
GG: Ask your question, please!  
TG: anyway, are you... [looking through appropirate terminlology] transgender?  
GG: What kind of a question is that?  
TG: sorry... shouldntve asked  
GG: What could possibly make you believe that?  
TG: u rly wanna kno  
GG: Yes, I would like to follow your trail of evidence, if such a thing exists.  
TG: i looked through the government databases for all of us  
TG: u know as one does  
TG: so i saw your birth cirtificate  
TG: *certificate  
GG: Are you serious here?  
TG: sorry  
GG: This is a gross breach of privacy.  
TG: im really sorry... if it helps, im trans too.  
TG: believe it or not. i'm a trans girl ;)  
GG: Oh? Then perhaps you would understand why I do not like to discuss this topic.  
TG: im sorry im sorry im sorry :(  
GG: Why did I ever trust you?  
GG: I thought you would be my friend. Not whatever the heck this is.  
TG: im sorry i just wanted someone who can unerstand  
TG: *understand  
TG: fuck im sorry D:  
TG: jane... are u there?

It is approximately one minute after sending them that you start to regret your messages. Your anger subsides. She is perhaps your best friend, and you treat her like that? Was what she did really so unforgivable? How would you ever face her again after the cruel things you said?

Maybe you can forgive her, but you cannot forgive yourself.

* * *

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 17:40 12/3/2009 --  
TT: Hey.  
GG: What.  
TT: Roxy told me what happened.  
GG: Oh.  
TT: Just so you know, I'm trans too. I'm what you would call a trans boy.  
GG: Oh.  
TT: She said she's sorry. I was upset too at first. Snooping around in our personal files, who does she think she is.  
TT: But then I realized how lonely she is. How lonely we all are.  
TT: It's like we're all trapped in our little worlds with just this dumb app connecting us, and we barely even know anything about each other.  
TT: I can totally understand why she would do that.  
TT: You don't have to accept her apology, but maybe you could acknowledge it.  
GG: This is quite mature of you.  
TT: Hey, it's easier when you're not neck deep in the fetid mess yourself.  
GG: What about Jake.  
TT: Oh, him? As far as we know he's cis.  
GG: Oh.  
TT: But I'm not sure if he knows what a gender is.  
GG: Well that's that I guess.  
TT: Are you going to talk to her?  
GG: Eventually.  
GG: Thanks, by the way.  


* * *

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 21:30 12/8/2019 --  
GG: Hello Roxy.  
TG: hey jane  
GG: I'm sorry for what I said to you earlier.  
GG: I would greatly appreciate if you would never do such a thing again, however.  
TG: no I should apologize :)  
GG: You already did. It's fine.  
GG: Now can we close the curtains on this sordid episode?  
TG: with a better understanding of each other and our boundaries?  
GG: Of course.  
TG: oh honey <3  
TG: I luv u  
GG: Me too <3  
TG: now if I want to know something can I just ask you directly  
GG: I can't promise I'll answer them but I'd certainly prefer that to going around my back.  
TG: okay... now r u ready for another highly invasive personal question  
GG: Oh no.  
TG: what kinds of hrt drugs r u on  
GG: Oh golly...  


You eventually told her, just to sate her curiosity if nothing else. Now that she _knows_ , you feel as if you could share everything with Roxy, up to your deepest, darkest secrets. It is a refreshing feeling, not having to bottle everything up, but the feeling will not last.


	2. Jane, Part 2

You assembled your identity out of society's detritus. You constructed a new persona out of fragments, cobbling together bits and pieces from individuals who would despise you if they knew you. You were Jane Crocker, heiress, baker, detective, lover of sweets and purveyor of pies. You were deliberately old-fashioned in a disarming way, all the better to keep them from finding your true self. But, some things are more difficult to hide than others.

* * *

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 23:00 4/12/2011 --  
TG: yo jane... have u ever thought abt having kids  
GG: Yes, I have thought about adopting, but that would be far in the future. What is this about?  
TG: ok. i wanna ask you a deeply personal and probly invasive question.  
TG: u ready 4 this?  
GG: Sure, I suppose?  
TG: double sure?  
GG: Okay, why not?  
TG: have u ever done... (looks up terminology avain) sperm banking?  
GG: Okay, that is disgusting, not to mention highly invasive of my privacy.  
TG: hey i warned you  
GG: Fair, I suppose.  
GG: No I have not, and I do not plan to.  
TG: why not  
GG: I couldn't deal with the possibility of experiencing "male puberty". I think that would have ruined me.  
TG: ok fair  
TG: idk but maybe id want to  
TG: just stuff some of that j*zz into the freezer  
TG: lmao the cats out of the bag on the whole "not experiencing male puberty" thing  
GG: I'm sorry...  
TG: lol no its fine  
TG: i think j wanna have kids one dau  
TG: *day  
TG: but like... idk how  
TG: its not as if i wanna... fuckin impregnate someone or w/e  
TG: even if hypothetically speaking i got into that sorta relationship  
TG: but idk mayb itll all change  
TG: god its so fuckin redic even talking about this  
GG: Hey, you brought it up.  
GG: But, yeah, I totally get what you mean.  
GG: I hope it will be possible in the future one day for us to, well, not to be crass but, well, get pregnant. There I said it. Is that weird?  
TG: lol about that  
TG: it's not weird to want that  
TG: not at all  
TG: i wish its possible too  
TG: but i dont think the futures gonna be that pleasant  
TG: trust me  
GG: Um okay...  


You add researching assisted reproduction to your list of goals after taking over Crockercorp. That list is getting increasingly long and unwieldy, but it'll be fine, right? After you turn 18 you would be able to do anything you want, with so many resources at your disposal. You can change the entire direction of the company for the better, make it help people rather than the other way around.

As you fall asleep you imagine increasingly fanciful scenarios, drawn from your limited knowledge of biology. You could get a womb transplant, but that's probably impossible. You are not going to do whatever it is Roxy talked about. And then there are the exotic technologies that involve converting cells from one type to another, but that's far off. So maybe it's not possible right now, but it could be in the future. And after all, there's nothing wrong with adoption.

But, you would have to get married before adopting, right? Because obviously they wouldn't let a single woman adopt. They might not let a trans woman adopt either, but they don't need to know that. Who would want to marry you? Not Dirk, certainly. Roxy? Maybe? You do like her, kind of...

Wait. Why did you just think of her? It's wrong. All wrong; you wouldn't be able to get married anyway. You like Jake, right? He's strong, he's handsome just like the main characters from the movies, of course you would like him. It makes sense, doesn't it? On the other hand Roxy's your friend, and that's that.

You shove these thoughts into a dusty drawer in the corner of your mind, hopefully never to revisit again.

* * *

School is going well, as far as these things go. No one knows your secret; no one has grown close enough to know. Your grades are good even as you take the hardest classes at your already hard private school. The teachers call you quiet and studious; the other students don't call you anything at all. There is the persona you present to your dad and your friends, and there is the face you show to everyone else.

You're not sure if you're in love with Jake, or if you're in love with the idea of being in love with Jake. Either way, what did it matter? As a woman, you had to like a man eventually. That's what the doctors always implied. They told you, not explicitly but you could read between the lines, that there was a right and a wrong way to be a woman, and especially a trans woman.

You always did what was right, what was good. To be good is to listen. To be good is to be obedient. To Dad, to your tutors, to your doctors and therapists. To your friends. To be good is to absorb their wishes for you, to soak them up like a sponge, to treat their desires as your own.

You were good. And that's all that matters, right?

* * *

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 23:50 5/3/2011 --  
GG: Sorry if this is an awkward and invasive question, but, would you ever want to have kids?  
TT: On a scale of 1 to 10, how serious is this conversation?  
GG: Nine, I suppose it's mostly serious.  
GG: It's just something I've been thinking about.  
TT: Then no.  
GG: Would it be bothersome to ask why?  
TT: Don't think I'd be good at being a parent.  
TT: In fact I'd be fucking terrible at it. There are an infinite number of reasons why; no way am I going to enumerate them.  
TT: Besides, I'm not going to fucking mpreg myself.  
GG: I don't think I've ever heard the word "mpreg" before... time to add it to my lexicon :B  
TT: Don't you fucking dare.  
GG: Oh, um, sorry.  
TT: No, it's fine.  
TT: You and Roxy are all about that maternal instinct, right?  
TT: Screw society, screw biology, we're gonna be parents, right?  
GG: Um... I wouldn't put it that way...  
TT: But it's true, isn't it?  
TT: You have to fight back against the system to achieve even the slimmest possibility of attaining happiness.  
TT: We all do.  
TT: Insofar that such a thing as destiny exists, such is our destiny.  
GG: Gosh... that's deep but I think I disagree with you.  
GG: I'd much rather not have to fight, if at all possible.  
TT: Right, you've had everything handed to you in life on a fucking silver platter.  
TT: Of course you don't have to fight, you haven't fought for anything in your whole life.  
GG: Sorry but where did this come from?  
TT: It's true, isn't it?  
TT: Say hi to the batterwitch for me, will you?  
GG: What are you talking about?  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]  


* * *

\--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 03:30 5/5/2011  
TT: Sorry for lashing out at you, by the way.  
TT: It must seem as if I had suddenly erupted in anger for no perceptible reason.  
TT: And you would be right in making such an assumption.  
TT: But there are more complicated happenings going on, ones that you might become aware of in the future.  
TT: That's all I am willing to say for now.  
TT: I would appreciate if you do not respond to this message, and also forget the incident ever happened.  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]  



End file.
